Being married for more than 35 years, I have learned that I cannot read my wife’s mind. No matter how much I would like to (or maybe she would like me to), I still haven’t mastered that skill. Here at work with the people in our company, it’s the same. I haven’t been able to figure out what someone else is thinking. Many people might think I know what they are thinking, but I promise you, I don’t.
Speaking with another person – having a conversation – is the way we express our thoughts and ideas to someone else so they begin to understand what and how we think. Understanding is really important. It doesn’t always mean we agree, but understanding helps us learn what motivates another person and how people see things from their own points of view. Gaining a basic level of understanding sets a foundation for other important conversations.
Having that foundational level of understanding is critical in relationships. To achieve that understanding, you need to have what I call “calibrating conversations.” One of the most important relationships in which you need to have calibrating conversations is between you and your boss.
One time you may have such a calibrating conversation is at your performance review. But having them more frequently is better. It is especially important to have that conversation when you are considering making a change in your career.
During my own career, I have seen people leave a company like ours for many reasons: lack of job satisfaction, what they see as poor opportunities for career advancement, being in the wrong job, having a poor relationship with their boss – the list could go on. In most of these cases, people leave the job without having had one of those calibrating conversations. Sadly, not having a calibrating conversation means they miss the opportunity to gain a better understanding of their situation. They might be missing that there is a bigger plan for them at the company.
You might ask, “How do you know this is true, Chuck?” I have been in many exit interviews, which often provide valuable insight into what is happening when an employee decides to make a major change in their career path. During exit interviews, these reasons for leaving are frequently mentioned.
In my experience, after doing some follow up, we see in many cases that the person leaving has never had a conversation with their boss about their issues. Because no conversation has taken place, we (the company and managers) have lost the opportunity to fix, change, help or solve the employee’s problem or issue. This is unfortunate. In most cases, we lose a good employee over a completely fixable situation. Often that fix could benefit more than one employee, too.
In the scenario I just described, I’m assuming that there was no conversation between boss and employee; however, that’s not always the case. Sometimes the conversation occurs, but it is not deep or frank enough. In such a case, the communication did not lead to greater understanding for one or both of the people involved.
A meaningful conversation requires two active people to make it happen – it takes a sender to transmit the message and a receiver to get it and understand what’s being sent. This transaction is often where problems occur. Think about a conversation that you had recently where a misunderstanding took place. For me it tends to happen when I’m focused on a task and am only partially listening. I’ve done it at home as well as at work. As the receiver in those instances, I should have stopped what I was doing to engage in the conversation or asked to have the conversation when I finished my task.
But the sender can also have a difficult job in transmitting the message to someone. How you think about something may differ entirely from how someone else does. Difficult conversations can be daunting, and preparing for one takes some thinking about how you want to express yourself. The words you choose will matter in how the receiver interprets the message. But a little time spent preparing will help you begin the conversation, express what’s on your mind and ensure that the receiver understood what you wanted to convey.
People often have a hard time talking about themselves and their job/career aspirations with their boss. It’s far easier to have those conversations at home or with coworkers. Breaking it down into thinking of yourself as the sender and your boss as the receiver might make it easier to prepare. Practicing what you want to say with your partner at home or even out loud in the car by yourself might help you feel more confident as you get ready to have the conversation.
What I hope to convince you to do as you read this is simply to talk with your boss about your career aspirations. In particular, talk with him or her well in advance of making a major decision about your future – not two weeks before you decide to leave the company when you give your notice or in an exit interview. Be clear about what you want and make sure that your point of view has been understood.
Also, these are not usually one-and-done conversations! I usually have a few sessions with someone before I feel like I truly understand what they want and where they want to go. I use this time to know the person better, make sure that I have asked enough questions to see the full picture, provide feedback based on my knowledge and help with a plan – even if it means that they will leave the company. I don’t ever want to see someone leave, but in some cases, it’s the right call for their career.
Like I said in the beginning, no one can read your mind, so have a conversation before deciding that the company has nothing to offer you.
See you on the deckplates!
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